Have you ever wondered why the younger X, Y and millennial generation are privy to all the new, fun slanguage? They get to say "Totes" and "Probs”"and "Adorbs. But how original is that? Because of their young, lazy mouths, they simply shorten or abbreviate a word so it rolls right off their wrinkle-free tongues and then hits it big time? I can do better than that. Here, I present some new words specifically for us in our own time (of need!) -- so please help "spread the word(s)!"
Little Miss Menopause’s Shabang Slang for The Older Gang
Bodyostasis – n. Those rare, fleeting moments when nothing hurts or feels out of whack.
Mattressable – adj. A term used for a woman who is easy to sleep with. Not that kind of sleep. Actual shut-eye. "Cynthia didn't throw the covers off and on according to her body temperature fluctuation, nor admonish him for breathing, blinking, snoring and she even let him cuddle with her once, therefore Steve deemed her to be highly mattressable."
Menopausability – n. You skipped your period! Could a 50 year old be pregnant? It’s a distinct menopauseability since you occasionally still ovulate, but more than likely you're just starting the change of life. Relax! You’ll soon be pushing a walker, not a stroller.
Menobump – n. Related to above. Friends will look at your midsection and wonder, "Is she or isn’t she?" But woe to the man who actually ventures forth and says, "Congratulations!" and tries to pat your menobump.
Babyboomerbitterbutterbetter — adj. A feeling of betrayal during all those years you switched to margarine and thought you were eating healthier, only to find out it was actually harming you. Damn that partially hydrogenated process.
Eggoangst — n. Similar sensation to above. When you hear that eggs have been given a bad rap for years, you mourn the missed omelet opportunities from your 20-30's.
Cancermonopoly — n. The final conclusion that it doesn’t matter what you eat, there will always be an article saying it's bad for you. "I'm ignoring the latest article about the cancermonopoly. You only live once and I’d rather die young and happy."
Afeeliate — v. The strong desire to affiliate with other women who feel the same symptoms of aging that you do. "Linda joined the All Things Menopause Community to afeeliate with other women who in the same boat."
Repeat-o-mind — n. A brain that fools you into thinking you can still do something just like you used to do it. "Rebecca suffered a repeat-o-mind which caused her to go horseback riding with her young adult children." PS - Rebecca’s uterus may never forgive her.
Wondertainment — n. When a title of a movie sounds so familiar that you wonder if you've seen it before. "Forty-five minutes into the movie, Trudy realized Titanic was definitely wondertainment." Not to be confused with....
Onertainment! — n. The enviable state for people who just want to simplify life, this describes the ability to own just one book, one DVD or CD because each time you hear, read, or watch it, it's like the first time all over again: brand new and enthralling!
Acandlebility – adj. That crucial earlier moment in the kitchen, when the cakewalker (one who walks the sheet cake into a crowd while leading off the "Happy Birthday" song) decided to use a single candle to represent an entire decade.
"This cake has absolutely NO acandlebility!"
Flipoverbreath — v. When you insist your husband turn over and face away from you in bed because his exhalations are hotter than a dragon's. Unfortunately citing this state is not likely to earn you the title of "mattressable.")
Roomrecall — n. That magical moment when you remember why you walked into the den in the first place.
Haditallalong — adj. The realization that dawns immediately after you ask someone if they've seen your glasses or cell phone (immediately before they reply, "What phone are you calling me on?")
Namegameblameshame — n. A syndrome characterized by calling your adult child by all their sibling’s names first, followed by a few extra names you considered giving them when you were pregnant. Their actual name generally does come to mind by the time they humiliate you by saying, "Hi! I’m Jessica, your firstborn. So nice to meet you."
Agexaggerate — v. Purposely telling someone you're ten years older than you actually are so you can hear, "Wow, you look great for 64!"
Doctorson — n. A physician so young, you could be his mother.
Daughterdoctor — n. The female version of the above.
Battersneaker – n. One who engages in the act of promising a child they can lick the brownie mixing bowl, but then pretends they forgot and accidentally washed it.
ItemOrigination — n. The act of going to the grocery store and buying everything except what you came for in the first place.
Actnesia – n. The loss of the ability to watch a movie and correctly identify all celebrities by first and last name, cite who they are related to, and give at least two other examples of films your partner has seen them in before. "Bill has been keeping very quiet on movie date nights since his recent bout of actnesia."
Glutendisputin — prop n. Someone who insists the entire gluten-free industry was thought up by a guy who hated his mother packing whole-wheat sandwiches in his lunchbox when other kids got Wonderbread.
Inventionintention — n. Knowing you thought of a clever new product first but were too lazy to do anything about it. Claims can date back to the dawn of electricity.
Holipressure — v. The influence other neighbors attempt to exert on someone who is too old or fatigued to put up Christmas lights or other exterior decorations. Closely connected to a...
Reluctoweener — n. Someone who really doesn't feel like coming up with an elaborate costume for a Halloween party so they just carry a trivial prop and pretend they're being very clever. "Dave asserted he was wearing a plumber costume because he carried a toilet plunger. He's such a reluctoweener." (In reality though, Dave just had a fear of clogging up public toilets.)
Trendependafriend — n. The friend who makes it her business to ensure you stay up-to-date with all the latest fads. She's the one who shamed you onto Instagram and she's probably to blame for your bangs in the 80s.
Shorterm Slanguage Loss — n. The tendency to forget all these new and clever slang words the moment you read the next article on All Things Menopause, thereby reducing the chance they will ever catch on to an older generation who desperately needs new terminology to describe that which there are simply no words for!
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