Double Feature – Hot Flashes & Night Sweats!

Rated PG (Pillow Gripping!)

Those original Disney movie producers knew women "of a certain age" are eternally exhausted. Why else would Sleeping Beauty and Snow White nod off at the first opportunity, "only to be awakened by Love’s First Kiss?" I suppose, "only to be startled awake by husband’s irritating snores," just wouldn’t sell as many tickets.

In case you missed them, here are some other "Menopausal Movies" that might have passed you by. Watch them on Netflix …if you can stay awake long enough!

The Wizard of MenopOZ – Hiding behind a curtain (so typically male) a great and powerful Man claims to have discovered the cure for All Female Fatigue… MORE SEX. Ha! DVD includes never seen before footage where he gets the Courage to admit he doesn’t know everything, a Heart to hand Dorothy his VISA to shop Nordstrom for more ruby slippers, and most importantly, the Brains to stay clear of Wicked Witches who haven’t slept in weeks!

Forest Slump - A woman named Forest (don’t ask!) slumps over with exhaustion while working, shopping, cleaning, driving, cooking, and exercising. But she’s totally alert when she slides in-between her sheets at night. Audiences will cheer when a Good Samaritan informs this tired waif that, "Life is like a box of chocolates," and she finally perks up for good! "Run Forest, Run…. to the See’s Candy Store!"

Gone With the Wind – During a week-long electricity power outage, the nights are so sweltering hot on her plantation that Scarlett O’Sweara can’t ever get comfortable. Where should she go? What should she do? And frankly my dear, Rhett still doesn’t give a damn.

Malice in Wonderland – Vindictive, insomniac wife plots revenge as her spouse snoozes blissfully unaware beside her.

The Postman Always Brings Ice – Getting ready to celebrate the big 5-0, a woman is grateful to her mail carrier for saving the day when he delivers an assortment of crushed, cubed, and dry ice because: a) She was too exhausted to grocery shop for her own big birthday bash b) She actually forgot she was throwing her own big birthday bash and c) She can now cool her wrists and neck when her own big birthday bash "hot flash" hits. Warning: The ending will melt your heart AND your libido.

Sophie’s Choice – Predictably dark comedy about a woman who must choose between taking a nap or having sex. Seriously? It’s crazy what passes for major conflict in movies these days.

9 ½ weeks – Depressing documentary about the length of time eight women in a sleep study have insomnia until one of them blindfolds another and feeds her carbs. Now not only is she awake with gluten intolerance, but there’s a nasty Atkin’s fan club after her.

It Happened One Night – Absolutely nothing happens. But you can bet that her husband boasts about it the next day with his golf buddies.

SchindHER’s List – Woman visits her doctor and walks away with everything from Xanax and Ambien to Tylenol PM and Melatonin scrawled in wretched physician handwriting on a prescription pad. Yawn, we’ve seen this all before….the parade of never-ending doctors doesn’t even count against her high deductible.

Alice Doesn’t Live Here Anymore – Cautionary tale about a fatigued and overworked woman, living with three jobless adult children who move back to the nest. Plus no room darkening shades for naps. When her 26 year-old daughter mutters, "I think you missed a spot," after our protagonist moves the girl’s bare feet to dust the coffee table, audiences will wonder, "What in the hell took Alice so long to run away from home?"

Phantom of the Shopera – Suspense/Thriller depicting a haunted clothing store with strange mirrors that reflect back muffin-top outlines with every designer garment tried on. The only thing safe to purchase here is a one size fits all black eye mask that’s cut in half. And even that will only hide the dark circles under one eye.

Other notable films too numerous to review but worth a look are… Kiss of the Tired-er Woman, Look Who’s Balking!, Casablanket, Les Menopausals, Withering Nights, Maternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, Numb and Number, Streetcar Named Perspire, Total UnRecall, and Cloudy With a Chance of Menopause!


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